How to have a conversation
It takes a surprisingly long time (years, decades) to learn how to have a conversation, and recently I’ve become aware that some people never do learn. This is true of many types of people, all ages, and both sexes.
Conversing with one other person
The main thing in having a conversation is to elicit a back-and-forth exchange of information. The number one mistake people make is to answer a question about themselves and fail to return the volley. The number two mistake is to answer in monosyllables. Think of it like a game of tennis: one person serves and then a back and forth ensues. If one of the players drops the ball or puts it into the net, it is their obligation to pick it up and start again.
Small talk
Here’s an example where strangers meet at a party:
A: Hi, I’m A, what’s your name?
B: I’m B.
B just dropped the ball and either wittingly or unwittingly indicated they have no desire to talk. If they DO want to talk, they should say:
B: I’m B. So, who do you know here? [The volley back could be anything, provided it elicits a response. It could be “What do you do for a living?” or “This is the worst party I’ve ever been to” or “Did you see that guy on the way in, with the hat?”]
A: I don’t know anyone—I came with my wife.
Technically A has opened the door for B to ask about A’s wife, but it’s better if A asks another question, like “Do you know her? Angie, over there—” or “Do you know people here?”
B: I know Angie, she’s very smart. Actually I work here, so I know most people.
AND ask another question, like “So what do you do?” or “Where do you live?” or “What do you think of that man’s hat?”
This back-and-forth of what do you do—I do this—what do you do—I do that—that must be interesting—no it’s not—do you like your work … etc. is a very standard and boring conversation that can quickly get ground down or turn into an interview of one person answering questions from the other.
The key is that both people must remember to pay attention to what their conversation partner says and look for something to springboard the conversation into more interesting ground.
A: Oh, you work here! So who’s your favourite person then? [Note that A opted out of “what do you do"?]
B: I … I don’t really have a favourite, I mean they’re just co-workers. Are you friends with your co-workers?
A: Not friends, really, but I still have favourites, like J who works in accounting, has a wicked sense of humour, and F who always brings a cake when it’s someone’s birthday. No one like that here?
B: Ummmmm. Well I suppose I like M, who is just really efficient, and there’s never any problem with her. So about this cake, how does F know what kind of cake people like? How many are there to keep track of?
A: That’s the brilliant thing about her—she somehow gets it out of them throughout the year, and on your birthday, viola! Your favourite cake! 21 people! So what cake would she bake for you?
B: I’m not much of one for sweets, actually. [This could be a conversation killer, so B has to reach. They could continue with this line, like “So what would F do with the likes of me?” or “Do you think she’d make me scones?” Or they could switch topics: “What do you think of that man’s hat?”]
In order to keep a conversation going you need to:
pay attention to what the other person says
pay attention to the other person (their clothes, their manner, anything worth remarking on in a friendly way)
pay attention to your surroundings for things to bring into the conversation (but be careful not to look around while your partner is talking!)
You also have to not let a good topic die, as well as be aware of when it’s running down and needs to change.
Bigger talk
Sometimes you are enjoying talking to someone, but you’re running out of things to say. Never be afraid to argue, lightly, provided you use the right tone.
B: Look! there he is! Isn’t that the most hideous hat you’ve ever seen?
A: Oh, actually, I kind of like it! What shade of orange would you call that? Tangerine?
B: Oh no—that’s flourescent. You can’t be serious? You really like it? What about the blue pom poms? [Note B did not say “You have no taste” or “You’re an idiot”.]
A: The pom poms are the best part! That man is a true eccentric … should we go talk to him?
B: Oh please, let’s not! Eccentric people make me very nervous. What on earth would we say?
A: Why do eccentric people make you nervous?
Big talk
I find it helpful to have a couple of big topics on hand. They can be used part way through getting to know someone, when there’s a lull in the conversation, but I’ve also used them as ice-breakers. Things such as “Do you believe in God?” Most people will answer this question, despite being a bit startled by it. The important thing is to be respectful of their reply, and curious about the details. Wait until they ask you if you believe in God before giving your opinion, and do so without casting aspersions on the other person’s belief, no matter what you may think (if you can’t do this, don’t ask the question).
Other big topics might be “Have you ever seen a therapist?” or “Who is the person you’ve loved the most in your whole life?” or “Do you have any interest in art?” [/geology/astronomy/opera/the occult/…] Just be certain that if they have no experience or interest in the topic you introduce, don’t pursue it on your own unless asked. For instance a negative response to “Have you ever travelled?” Is not an invitation for you to regale them with your travel stories.
Conversations with young people
I find that the younger the person, the more difficult it is to have a conversation with them, mostly because they don’t have much experience with the world. Children and teenagers are particularly prone to monosyllabic answers, and terrible at showing interest in other people. This is the time when it’s necessary to coax and guide. Ask lots of questions, and interject your opinions because you’ll never be asked for them. As always, pay attention and be ready to draw them out on any detail or hint of personality you might find. If you find yourself trapped in an elevator with a teenager, teach them how to have a conversation.
How to get out of a conversation
Many people are just bad conversationalists, and despite your best efforts, they have nothing to say. Or maybe they have lots to say, but they never volley back and you find you are basically interviewing them. The best and most obvious way to get out of a conversation is to physically leave, with an excuse.
B: Well, it’s been lovely talking to you, but I really must [get more wine, use the washroom, talk to someone else in particular, dance, leave … ]
You can also pass them off to someone else:
B: R! Have you met A? A is Angie’s partner and knows quite a lot about cake … please excuse me …
Or you can employ some of the conversation killers, like answering in monosyllables and failing to volley back.
Conversing in groups
How to join a conversation
This can be one of the harder things to do. You see some people who are talking and laughing, or looking very interested and you want to join the conversation. If it’s just two people, it’s easy to come up between them and introduce yourself, then say “What are you talking about?” before joining in. Don’t reset the conversation to “my name is, what do you do, etc.” allow/encourage it to pick up where they left off.
People in groups of 3 or more tend to face each other, with their backs out, so physically getting into the group can be difficult. I have failed at this many times. Your best hope is to listen for a bit to get a grasp of the conversation. If you have nothing to add, drift away, but if you do have something to add, you can force your way in and say “Did I just hear you say —?” and give your opinion, or “Are you talking about —? Mind if I put in my 2 cents?” Most people will let you in, but sometimes a group is very protective of their group vibe, or there may be other social reasons they don’t want to include other people. If you’re ignored, just edge away again. If you say something that kills the chatter or the vibe, it’s best to state the obvious (“Oops! I guess this is not my group!” or “OKay then …”) and edge away. Don’t flounce out, or appear angry, just accept that you tried something that didn’t work, and you’ll try your chances elsewhere.
Contributing or giving audience
The group conversation has a different dynamic than one-on-one. It would be stilted for each person to take a turn in speaking, but each person should be mindful of allowing others to speak by drawing them in. A simple turn and “What do you think?” is usually sufficient. All conversants should be wary of getting into a back-and-forth with one other person while the others are essentially edged out or become an audience. And all conversants should not be shy about judiciously interrupting (especially when someone has gone on for too long). Exclamations work well, such as, “Wait, what?!” "or “Oh, come on!” or “You did not!” Group conversations necessarily become louder and more lively the more people are involved.
One of the main rules that can be broken in a group conversation is that it is allowable for one lively person to give audience with a long tale, while the rest stand around laughing or exclaiming. It is also allowable for 2 people to engage in a lively argument while the rest enjoy the spectacle. The group will usually make asides and faces to each other, laugh and interject exclamations to indicate their involvement. If the group becomes silent or restless it will fall apart. If you find yourself in a group where one person has dominated the conversation unsuccessfully, leave as soon as others start to, or you may find yourself trapped with a monomaniac, who will never give you an opening to get away. However if you find yourself left as an audience of one, to two sparring partners, you can just walk away—they won’t notice.
How to talk to idols
Whether your idol is someone actually famous, or perhaps someone in your profession who is professionally famous who you greatly admire, there are those times when you are excited to meet that person but you don’t know what to say.
My best advice is to give, don’t ask for anything. Give a compliment or an opinion, and be prepared to leave it at that. Don’t ask for advice, or their opinion, or an autograph or a photo.
Unless you’re absolutely their professional equal, avoid the topic of what they do for a living. They talk about it and themselves ad nauseum and they’re sick of the subject. Instead, make a remark about something around you, or ask if they like fiction and recommend a book, or tell them you love their jacket and what is it made of. If you’re not alone with them, that may be all you get, but if you have them relatively to yourself try to push the conversation in a more interesting direction, drawing on your knowledge of the world and what you might guess would be interesting to them. And don’t be afraid to banter about something silly like a stuck umbrella or how one is supposed to hold a plate and a glass and eat at the same time.
If the idol is being mobbed, you might want to pick a better time. If the idol is in deep conversation with someone else, don’t interrupt.
The exception is that it’s always perfectly acceptable to run up and say “I love you!” and run away again.
How to talk to fans
As someone who was once a person with fans, I learned that talking about myself was the last thing I wanted to do, so my advice is deflect, deflect, deflect. Ask questions of your fans, listen, take an interest and ask more questions. This is actually how I learned to have a conversation, was by deflecting the focus from myself as much as possible. I found out interesting things about people and then pursued those topics. If I was asked “What do you think about …” I would often turn it back on them to answer first. This got me through many conferences, parties and obligatory host dinners, and a good time was had by all.