An End-of-Year List

Some additions to Stanford’s “Elimination of Harmful Language Initiative.”

Stanford University has caused a bit of a stir with its recently released “Elimination of Harmful Language Initiative:” a “multi-phase, multi-year project to address harmful language in IT at Stanford.”

Despite its narrow focus (IT), there are many such lists of restrictions on language in organizations throughout the English-speaking world (the sources that Stanford spent multiple years cribbing from are here, here, here, and here, among others).

I personally think that most (not all) of these crusades {problematic} against words and phrases are idiotic {problematic}, and, to borrow from right-wing rhetoric, “snowflakey” {problematic}. But for the sake of argument, let’s say I’m wrong, and we do need to be protected/protect people from harmful language. Lists like Stanford’s cover people of various races, religions, abilities, mental and physical states, self-identities, and some nationalities. But there is one group they never include under their umbrella of “protection,” the group that probably endures the most slurs, the most violence and the most disregard, the group that is actually just over half of the world’s population: women.

We know not to say or write “the n-word” under any circumstances, including quotations of lyrics, or “He said ‘n——’!” anecdotes. And while we don’t say K-word or W-word or C-word, we know never to call any person “kike,” “wop,” “chink,” “wet-back,” or “fag,” “homo,” “tranny,” or any other egregious slur. But weirdly, there is no hard rule against calling a woman—to her face, as well as in the 3rd person—Bitch, Cunt, Whore, Ho, Witch, Cow, or any number of other slurs against women. Why is this? (Doh!)

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s remarks on [July 23, 2020] […] amounted to a stunning indictment not only of the words of Rep. Ted Yoho, R-Florida, who she said called her a “f[uckin]g bitch” in front of reporters, but a culture of abusive language against women that can lead to violence. Her speech resonated with many women — in politics and out, supportive of her politics or not — who said the language had been tacitly accepted for far too long.

Boston.com

So IF people must insist on making lists of things we mustn’t say, I would like to

add the following:

A 10, or a [number out of 10] - women are not contestants waiting to be ranked. Instead, say super hot, very hot, hot, hot-ish, or not my type.

"Always a bridesmaid, never a bride" - women’s raison d’être is not to get married, instead, say She is very popular!

“A woman’s place is in the home/kitchen/bedroom/on her back” - instead, say A woman’s place is wherever the fuck she wants to be.

Baby - only use this when referring to people actually under the age of two.

Baby-bump/bump - Yuck. Just don’t—and whatever you do, don’t ask to touch it!

Bag - Women are not for carrying things around in; instead, address the person directly, or say about her: she is / you are being mean; I don’t like her /you.

Ball-buster - There is no reason to think that a woman taking authority is after anyone’s genitals; instead, say She is tough!

Beaver - unless referring to the second-largest rodent in the world, say Triangle of Worship (or TOW), or Altar of Venus.

Bimbo - instead, say stupid woman.

Bitch - women are not female dogs. Instead, address the person directly, or say about her: she is / you are being mean; I don’t like her /you.

Bitch-fest - instead, say complaint-a-thon

Blonde [moment] - I am blonde; I am smarter than you are. If you equate blondness with stupidity then my dog—who is blonde—is smarter than you are.

Boobies - grow the fuck up. Say breasts. Say it!

Booty - unless you are a pirate referring to your stolen loot, say butt, ass, or sex, depending on your intended meaning.

Booty-call - instead, say I’m going to get laid.

Bun/bun in the oven - it’s a fucking baby, in a womb. There is no baking involved.

Cat-fight - unless there are actual cats involved, say fight.

Catty - use only when you mean that someone looks or acts like a cat; for instance, if they lick their hands after eating, you may say, don’t be so catty!

Chatty Cathy - instead say Chatty Chet.

Client - when referring to someone who buys sex from women, say user.

Cock-tease - instead, say I thought she was interested in me—clearly, I was wrong.

Cooch/ie - instead, say Triangle of Worship (or TOW), or Altar of Venus.

Cougar - unless you mean Puma concolor, mind your own goddamn business.

Cow - women are not animals; instead, address the person directly, or say about her: she is / you are being mean; I don’t like her /you.

Cunt - if referring to the vagina, say vagina, or Triangle of Worship (or TOW), or Altar of Venus. If referring to a person, address the person directly, or say about her: she is / you are being mean; I don’t like her /you.

Debbie Downer - instead, say Donnie Downer.

Ditz - instead, say stupid.

Dominatrix - this is totally fine.

Easy - if referring to a woman’s sexual availability, say I might have a chance; we’ll see.

Fanny - if referring to the derrière, say butt; if referring to the Triangle of Worship call it so or Altar of Venus.

Feminazi - do not refer to anyone, anywhere, as a Nazi, unless they are an actual, genocidal white-supremacist Nazi. Instead say Women’s Rights Advocate.

Frigid - if referring to a woman who is not into you, say she’s not into me or she’s of discerning taste. Alternatively, you could say I am unable to satisfy her.

Girl - fine if referring to someone under the age of 18, otherwise say woman.

Girl Friday - instead, say assistant.

Hag - instead, say not my type.

Harpy/harpie - instead, address the person directly, or say about her: she is / you are being mean; I don’t like her /you.

Harlot - instead, say indentured sex-servant, slave, sex-slave or compensated sex-slave.

Ho - depending on your intended meaning, say girlfriend, wife, woman (but not “my woman”), or indentured sex-servant, slave, sex-slave.

Hole - if referring to the vagina, say vagina

Hooker - instead, say indentured sex-servant, slave, sex-slave or compensated sex-slave.

Hormonal - if referring to a woman’s emotional state, mind your own goddamned business.

Housewife - instead, say indentured house-servant.

Jail-bait - instead, say way too young for me.

Jezebel - instead, say the Phoenician wife of Ahab.

Like a girl - instead, say bravely.

Little Miss ___ - don’t say, unless the next word is “Muffet” and you are reciting a nursery rhyme.

Madam - if referring to the proprietor of a bordello, say slave owner or slave manager.

Menopausal - see “Hormonal”.

Menstrual - see “Hormonal”.

MILF - instead, say hot

Muff - instead, say Triangle of Worship (or TOW), or Altar of Venus.

Muff-diver - instead, say lesbian.

MummyWummy - instead, say mother. Do not belittle mothers.

Mumpreneur - instead, say entrepreneur, and can you believe it? She’s raising kids at the same time!

Munch/muncher - instead, say (someone who) enjoys cunnilingus.

Mutton dressed as lamb - how many times do we have to remind people that women are not animals? Instead, say she’s older than she looks.

Nag - instead, say diligent reminder.

Old bag/hag - see “Bag”.

On the rag - see “Hormonal”.

Panty-remover - instead, say alcohol and turn yourself in to the police.

Piece of ass/tail - just go home, shut yourself in the house without TV or internet for 30 days and think about what kind of an asshole you really are.

Pimp - instead, say slave trader.

Pop the cherry - a woman’s sexual history is none of your business, a girl’s sexual history is doubly none of your business.

Princess - unless a woman or girl is an actual princess (i.e. of royal lineage, with title), try to refer to them with adjectives that relate to their personality, strengths, etc.

Prostitute - instead, say indentured sex-servant, slave, sex-slave or compensated sex-slave.

Prude - instead, say understandably cautious.

Pussy - instead, say (say it with me now)Triangle of Worship (or TOW), or Altar of Venus

Poontang - ditto

Ready to pop - instead, say about to give birth, or going to come.

Red-light district - instead, say slave-trade district

Resting bitch-face - instead, say resting grumpy-face (although I admit that resting bitch-face is funnier).

Scarlet woman - instead, say I say, Milord, the lady is a bit too free with her ways, think you not?

Shrew - instead, say overly concerned.

Shrill - instead, say not exactly dulcet.

Skank - instead, say indentured sex-servant, slave, sex-slave or compensated sex-slave.

Slag - ditto

Slut - ditto

Smile! - only say this when pointing a camera at someone who wants to have the camera pointed at them.

Snatch - instead, sayTriangle of Worship (or TOW), or Altar of Venus

Spinster - instead, say brave and independent woman.

Street walker - instead, say indentured sex-servant, slave, sex-slave or compensated sex-slave.

SWERF - instead, say Women’s Rights Advocate.

Suck my cock / suck my dick / suck me / suck this - learn to live without women and suck it yourself.

Tail - instead, say coccyx

Tease - instead, say flirtatious.

TERF - instead, say Women’s Rights Advocate.

Thot - instead, shut your mouth and fuck off.

Time of the month: Her/your - see “Hormonal”.

Titties - see “Boobies”.

Trollop - this is getting so tiresome.

Twat - ditto.

Vajayjay - grow up. Instead say VAGINA. SAY IT!!!

Whore - instead, say indentured sex-servant, slave, sex-slave or compensated sex-slave.

Whore-house - instead, say bordello or slave-house

Witch - unless referring to an actual follower of Wicca, address the person directly, or say about her: she is / you are being mean; I don’t like her /you. But be careful, because if she actually is a witch you are in a shitload of trouble.

Wolf whistle - you can say it, but don’t do it, unless directed at a car.

Woman driver - male drivers cause more accidents than women do, so instead, say teenage male driver.

Women’s work - is whatever the fuck she wants it to be.

Yummy Mummy - instead, say she’s hot.

…

To women:

Do not make the gesture of a half-pinky toward or about any male person to suggest the miniscule size of their penis.